I’m writing this post undercover. Literally. I’m in bed with a comforter over my head, body and phone to ensure the light emitted
from my phone does not wake up my son. I never used to be able to survive without hyperventilating in the dark or worse, dark hot spaces but I’m a parent now. I can and do anything. I know no fear for myself.
Here are 7 unique but necessary skills (super powers) I picked up since becoming a parent:
- Superhuman Hearing: I can hear my baby breathing from ten feet away – through doors and possibly with loud music blasting if I needed to. This skill took about 4 months of new parent time to develop. Four sleepless months where, for nonsensical, clearly new parent madness drove me at all hours of the day and night to physically touch my son to be sure he was breathing. The result? Peace of mind until this act inevitably woke him up. Now, his breathing is easy to recognize – even through walls! The rhythm of his breathing is more familiar than the melody of my national anthem. It is the sound that soothes me. It is peace of mind.
- Covert, Near Silent Nighttime Bathroom runs: Ahhh how I miss simply waking up, checking my phone and thumping my way to the bathroom at night unconcerned about footsteps or sheet moving noises. I used to drink a 24oz regimen of water before bed. Now? If baby is sleeping in our room my last bit of water is at six! Now the maximum once nightly wee-wee run I have is akin to that Oceans 12 scene where one of the thieves maneuvers through lazer beams to get into a vault. Hear nah, I can damn near silently float to the bathroom in pitch black conditions. I trip over nothing. I am silent as waking baby is not an option. Neither is flushing. #savewater #mamaaintraisenofool #flushingmakesnoise #nonumber2
- Poo Detector: Early in motherhood, my child’s bowel movements were a mystery. Who knew when they happened until there was the tell tale smell. Now? It’s all in the eyes baby. I know he’s going to poo in the mornings and I can detect the exact moment of poo-ments from silence mixed in with watery eyes.
- Selective Hearing: Before baby I thought the music from children’s television shows and toys was highly annoying. I wondered why parents did not break the speakers on toys. I thought ‘It’s a small world afterall’ played ten times on repeat was torture. I was clearly not a parent then. Now? Kiddie music can be on blast, repeat, hell vibrate even and, once baby is awake, I won’t even notice until someone else points it out to me. However, once baby is asleep. My hearing comes back and I hunt down anything that emits kiddie music. Silence, especially with a candle and a glass of wine (small, no time for extra pee pee runs) is golden.
- Purse of Requirement Packer and Owner: One of my favorite J. K. Rowling references is the ‘room of requirement’ in Harry Potter. This room contains anything a person entering could need. That’s how my baby bag can be described. Anything that child may need is in there. I’m not sure how but I manage to pack everything from two changes of clothes to bottles, pampers and children’s Tylenol, vapor rub and a damn near half pack of full sized cereal into my baby bag for even a grocery run. Crix, chew toys, ice and hell even a panadol for mommy is frequently in there. Sadly lipstick of touch up powder never is. Does this packing ability mean I have magical abilities? I think not besides, even if I had a wand, I would not have room to carry it or one other thing in my bag of requirement as the zippers on that skip hop bag are strained to the max!
- Danger analysis: Child safety hazard spotting is now second nature to me. I can be at a fete and I’ll notice areas that are not child friendly – as if baby coming to teif a wine. Steep areas, open staircases, bottle caps on the ground or (gasp) loose electrical plugs or worse, a mobile phone carelessly placed (obviously by a non parent) on a coffee table. So strong is this instinct to baby proof and identify hazards that I literally feel anxious when taking my child into any new space. Basically the first five minutes of visits to any new place involves clutching my child and moving stuff around.
- Cry Decoding: Babies cry – got it. Never realized there were differences in cries. Now? I know hungry cry from wet cry, sick cry from bored cry and the cry I know best is the bone chilling ‘I really hurt myself call a doctor’ cry. I’ve also learned to combine this skill with selective hearing so well that I can actually have conversations with friends (other parents of course) during bored, attention seeking or even tired cries. #wedohbusiness
Reading this list I realize that I’m basically a super hero. *Pops Cape* *stays still as I hear baby turning*
Hugs and happiness!